When the Past Returns

How come some people think only women have issues with the past? Past relationships, past heart aches , past let downs, past memories. Whatever you put behind the word Past men deal with it as well. I would really like my husband to deal with his past. Because it's truly driving me insane.

How come he doesn't see me the way I see him?
How come he doesn't think I'm not going to hurt him?
How come he doesn't see that I'm his safe haven from the evil world?
How come he doesn't look me deep in my eyes and tell me his deepest thoughts and fears?
How come he doesn't explain anything to me in the terms of making things better for our relationship?
How come he doesn't tell me how much I mean to him and how much he cares for me and how our union has made life that much SWEETER?
I have just one request with every complaint please give me one compliment. I cook dinner and he just eats it, I try to do something extra sweet and doesn't acknowledge my efforts.

The Quest For Cohesiveness

So often you give some much of yourself you feel left out or left behind. Sometimes I think I care so much about others I forget to care about myself. This evening many things happened that made me look at the bigger picture. I remember reading quote that said "Love is Blind but marriage is the eye opener" and that statement couldn't be truer. Tonight my husband has gotten under my skin more than he's ever has. And I just can't figure this out. Where is the cohesive part of this relationship? How come I always feel like I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum? I'm not one to discuss what I do our how much I do for a person but it's really frustrating when you go through life doing doing doing doing and not receiving.

Double Standards Suck, tonight Sucks, I just can't wait to start working and earning my own money.

God's Work

Who are we to play GOD? How come we go to the Doctor's and listen to every word they say as if their God himself. Don't get me wrong we know God controls and rules everything and Doctor's have research to back up their theories.

When I had the miscarriage I really wanted to do everything right to ensure the next pregnancy wouldn't be at risk. But I started to feel like I was trying to do God's job. I was telling my husband no we can't do this or do that. And for 3 months we shouldn't have unprotected sex etc. It made our lives a little miserable because he would feel bad if we didn't use protection. But I started thinking God is in control and what is meant to be will be. If it's meant for my husband and I to have children together than God will Bless us with a beautiful healthy baby. Sometimes we try our hardest to do the right thing and it still ends up WRONG.

From Now on I will not try to be GOD but I will follow God and his word. I will live with out fear and embrace all things that come my way. With a Loving God and a Wonderful Husband why I should I fear anything. Thank You God Thank You Jesus!

Time For Change

Ok So it's 13 days into the NEW YEAR and I'm just now getting my thoughts and resolutions in order. Better Late than NEVER....... Just some thoughts in my head right now.

I am really thinking about Law School how crazy is that thought????????? I am secretly trying to become an attorney or something. I asked God to plant ideas and thoughts into my head. I asked God to just have his way with me and these are some of the things that's been floating through my head.
-Law School
-Finishing my Degree And then pursuing a Law Degree

My Husband is considering a Major Relocation from DMV it's going to be cool if we really pick up and move. How neat would that be???

Today while I was in the Old Navy getting uniform pants for DeAndre, I saw some little infant clothes and I just thought about the little "Seed" we lost Awwwwwwww but now we will have alot of chances to try again.

SO many thoughts and ideas I just have to do something with all my thoughts. WOW God is So GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't Sleep

Tonight I can't sleep and it's probably what I should be doing. Today was part two of me being in the red. My husband is so sweet in a sour way, for some reason when he's confused or unsure of what to say, he does some weird things. And he lets some weird thoughts get in his head, today he gave me a little talk about sacrificing for me and me thinking he doesn't care for me or Love me. I know for a Fact that he loves me and I love him, that's the further-est thought from my mind. If something happened today or tomorrow to my husband one of the things I would know and remember always would be his unconditional love for me and all that is apart of me. He loves my dreams my son my family my downfalls my short comings he loves in the words of Lady Gaga "My Ugly". And I wouldn't trade him in for a million dollars.

I just have so much on my mind tonight good bad happy sad how do I sort this chaos out? First let me sort the cob web out on this Blog.

What's making me Sad
-The fact that I'm bleeding and is quote unquote pregnant. (Since I'm bleeding I'm not sure if I'm pregnant still but I took 2 home pregnancy tests and they both said I was pregnant)
-Looking at all these TV shows and commercials I just see so many adorable babies taking baths and spilling juice on the kitchen floors. I just know James would be a Great Father.
-The thought of me not having a job (Just the Fact that I have no job and don't know when I'm going to get another job)

What's making me Happy
-Knowing that GOD is looking down on me and my family
-Thoughts of knowing "God Makes no Mistakes and what's meant for me will work itself out"
-My meeting with Ms. Sandi about the Event Planning Company
-My Husband who's SUPER GREAT
-The fact that if I'm not pregnant now I can keep trying to become pregnant and maybe I can choose the Baby's birthday month.

All this baby talk you would think I didn't have a child at all but I do I have an amazing little boy who's 4! He's amazingly intelligent and mature for his age he just LOVES his Mama and I Love him too that's why I want to give him a little sibling so he can have someone to look out for!

Well writing this has made me feel so much better I'm going to try and go to sleep! Goodnight World Wide Web!

In God's Hands!!

I think I came on my cycle, I know it's something I should be used to by now but I didn't want my period to come. I took 4 home pregnancy tests and 2 out of 4 came back positive 1 was in valid and the other said negative. I was so excited and eager to be pregnant. I just knew my husband and I would spread the news January 19th after the official Doctor's visit. But now I'm scared there won't be any news to spread.

I have to put my HUMANLY feelings aside and continue to trust in God. I know he makes no mistakes but Shooot I thought I was pregnant. My husband is just so monotone I'm not really sure if he was truly Happy when I showed him the positive tests or if he was just saying it because it was the right thing to say! But whatever the case maybe I know he loves me and just wants me to be happy. At this moment I just want to be held and told it's Okay. I had a baby name picked out if it were a girl and he had the name if it was a boy. I started the prenatal vitamin and all but now I'm on my cycle and frustrated.

Now WHAT????? If I'm not pregnant do we keep trying even though I'm not working and just hope it happens within this week? Or do we get on Birth Control and I look for a job and then plan for the baby? Planning for a baby seems weird like your a mad scientist and your trying to do God's work. So many thoughts and so many emotions.

What really sucks is I have menstrual cramps and I usually never have any cramps when I'm on my cycle. This really SUCKS:( And I canceled our trip to Sandals due to expecting a baby in September.

Patience

My Husband is a very patient MAN!! In three days it'll make three months that we've been married. When I fall asleep on him he lets me sleep. Sometimes I hear noises and receive the occasional kiss on the cheek. But now the tables have turned, he's a sleep and I'm up on the computer all the lights are on, and I am purposely making all sorts of unnecessary noise. I'm so Desperate for him to wake up!! Please HONEY wake UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

Should I let him sleep or should I get a cold Rag and put it on his face? I think it's nicer to let him sleep but I wanted to talk to him about baby names and my thoughts yatta yatta ya! Oh well I guess I'll be a Nice Wife tonight and let him sleep peacefully.

Good Night Honey Sweet Dreams! Smooches! BTW the baby name I really like is Jade Chloe or Chloe Jade!!!!

Back 2 Basics

Back 2 Basics- How often have you gotten comfortable in a relationship? Have you ever gotten so comfortable that you let the sparks die down and let things get BORING????

Losing my job has affected me in more ways than financially, It's taken a toll on my motivation, and inspiration. I used to think of many romantic and loving IDEAS and I used to feel in control of me. But now that I'm jobless I sorta feel hopeless. A few months ago I used to hear all sorts of tunes in my head now I hear Hopeless, A Penny with a hole in it hole in it. Over and Over and Over. I've gotten such in a FUNK I conjure of all types of thoughts not about suicide but thoughts like is James mad at me? Is something wrong with him? Is he too stressed from taking care of me and the household. I don't remember the last time I sincerely touched and kissed my HUSBAND. SO now am I not only making myself miserable but I think I'm making my husband miserable.

So How do I get out of this rut????? I'm pregnant and have no intentions on getting a job until the next year, so my financial situation won't change but Money isn't everything. So I'm going to go back to basics! What are the basics you ask?? See Below !

Basics
-Love God and Praise God
-Say a Little Prayer Each Day and Night
-Have conversations with my husband open honest conversations
-Exercise Daily (Outdoors so long as weather permits)
-Stop Dwelling on The Negative Things and Celebrate the Positive Things
-Make a Daily TO Do List and Accomplish Something
-Set Realistic Goals and Find Ways to Add to the List
-Maintain a Healthy Mind and Heart
-Be Honest and Better Myself
-Be The BEST WIFE AND MOTHER Humanly Possible
-GET HAPPY!!!!!!!!!

NO More Nice Girl

Sometimes it seems Family are the Ones who Walk All Over You.

I'm Learning People will Truly Take Your Kindness for Weakness. I went from single to Married but I never transitioned into a wife. I'm still doing things for my family as if I'm single still.
Can you go here do that take this pick that up help with this and that. I'm literally stretching myself thin. A Few days before Christmas I had a Meltdown. And My poor husband said "Well Baby You have to learn to say NO."

Me learn the word "NO", people will hate me and not talk to me.
If I use the word "NO", won't I look MEAN or ANGRY or even worst won't I sound like a BITCH?
How come I say "YES" out my mouth but in my head I'm thinking NO NO NO.......?
Am I that insecure and unsure with myself that I have to please everyone in my life? Even though these people are asking me for things????

Well Guess What?? I don't care 2010 is the year of "NO" What I do with or for my mother is what I choose to do. She's the one I can go to when I need 1 dollar or 1 million dollars. She's the one that raised me and sacrificed for me. So I will no longer be a slave to my family and I will stand up for myself.

I think I lost a job because I was coined "The Nice Girl".

I will be a wife first and mother second and a Family Member third and so on and so on. I am in CONTROL of ME!!!! AND I will embrace my GUT Feelings and only do what I can and when I can!!!!

Five Weeks

Five Weeks Pregnant and So Excited! When I was pregnant with my son DeAndre I was very young and oblivious with the MOTHERHOOD life. I read many books on How To and What To Do If.. But I still didn't know how many hours it took to raise a child and to Really Develop A Person.

DeAndre is now 4 and has so much personality and he's just growing and becoming such a BIG Boy it's scary.

My husband has a 10 year old daughter she's practically a Teenager.

And here we are 5 weeks pregnant!!! I am EXCITED and SCARED and I want everything to be perfect I want the baby to be a boy because he wants a boy but I think I want a girl. But I just want the BABY to be a Healthy baby. So many thoughts and feelings running through my head!!!

SOME Baby Names
-Jaden
-Jalen
-Jasemine

I can't Thank God Enough for my Husband! I was laid off Nov. 11th and he's been nothing but supportive. I am used to working and having my own money but he's reassured me He has my back!! I just Love this MAN!!!! And to think I'm having a child with such a Responsible Man!!! I Love You JCW!!!!!